What Was Important to Him

Part 3 of a Serial Story of Repentance

Trevor dug his fingernails into the charcoal-colored steering wheel of his Accord and curled the toes of his left foot as he sped up to 55. He could get away with 10 over on this stretch of 126. He was so anxious to get to Jess’ place that he forgot he was almost on empty until he’d been on the road for ten minutes. He swore as he saw the gas light come on, and then decided that taking a full half-hour to get there when he’d implied he was on his way might work in his favor. Let Jess think he was a busy guy who wasn’t all that eager to see her.

He was as angry at himself for being pathetic as he’d ever been when he stepped out of the car and slid his credit card into the slot on Pump 4 at the Lockland BP. But it didn’t matter. He’d made the choice he’d made, and gravity was at work now. He was in Jess’ orbit, and nothing but death would prevent him from crashing into her. He knew that as much as he knew-

He stopped. His heart was cold all of a sudden. It was Mattie’s birthday. How could he have forgotten his youngest daughter’s birthday? How could Jenn have sabotaged him by not reminding him?

He gripped the back of his neck with his right hand, closed his eyes, and put his head down, instinctively. He was ashamed. It didn’t matter that the old black lady at Pump 2 didn’t know him, he was ashamed, and when you’re ashamed you put your head down. It wasn’t Jenn’s fault. As twisted as his thoughts were, as much as he was rationalizing about two-thirds of what he was spending his life doing at this point, he had enough in him that was working properly to know it wasn’t Jenn’s responsibility to tell him when their two-year-old’s birthday was. And so now it was late in the afternoon and he was on his way to try to get sex and affection from his former live-in girlfriend that he’d left home for while his daughter heard happy birthdays from everyone but Daddy.

He heard the click of the pump as his tank registered as full and he swore again. He’d only meant to put in ten dollars. Payday was next week, and this was the first rent check he’d have to write without any money in the household budget from Jess. And it wasn’t like he could get his alimony payment lowered due to his girlfriend breaking up with him and moving out. He put the nozzle back into the pump angrily and muttered the same swear under his breath a third time and then got back into his car. He never really considered anything but continuing on to Jess’. He just felt worse about it, now.

He pulled into the long gravel driveway of Jess’ cousin’s house where she was staying seventeen minutes after remembering it was his daughter’s birthday. Jess was bent over the seat of her car, getting something out of there. She stood up and shut the door and looked at him as he stepped out to meet her.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Here.” He set the pills on the trunk of her car. He thought about tossing them to her, but in a second’s time his mind had played that out and decided that it would come across as too intentionally cavalier and so would be obvious that he was desperate to make it seem like he didn’t want her back because he very much did.

“Anything else?”

She looked at him square on in the sunlight. Those green eyes sent a high-voltage charge through his heart that ran all the way out to his fingernails. He forgot about Mattie, forgot about Jenn and Kayla and the conversation with his father. All he wanted was to win her back, to make her want him, and what that would feel like and what it would say about who he was was a prize he would trade the world for.

She rolled those green eyes, and he had to choke the urge to put his fist through the window of her little Lexus coupe. He didn’t connect the dots between his fury, the despair he’d just been drowning in at the grocery store, and adultery, because he was drunk on Jess. Or, more accurately he was drunk on what he believed Jess might do in him and for him.

“I’m done, Trevor. I’m just done.”

He felt the world fall out from underneath him. For about three seconds he felt like strangling her, but instead he did something that surprised both of them. He turned, got into his car, and pulled out of her driveway without looking in her eyes or saying a word.

In a complicated world with innumerable constantly moving parts, it’s not always possible to identify cause and effect. But I’m confident the reason Trevor pulled out is that his brother Mike had prayed for him a half an hour earlier, while eating a bagel and drinking grapefruit juice at First Watch.